i never thought this day would come..

he talked to me again(:
he said he was sorrry about everthing and that he missed me..
we fixed things.
i dont't know if things will go back to how they were before but as long as he doesn't hate me i'm content(:

i'm an idiot i know =/

"hey chad. i know you prolly still hate me..but i just want you to know if you change your mind, i'm still here."

vulnerable

I remember when I was a little girl I had this babysitter who I thought was the coolest person in the whole world, and whenever my parents came home and told her she could leave I would block the door and tell her she couldn’t go.

I guess that’s kind of what I was doing with chad. I didn’t want to believe it was over. He was walking away and I wasn’t about to just stand by and watch. So I pathetically poured out my heart... I knew I had made a mistake..i knew I screwed up with him. I thought...i wanted to belive that I could fix things, but I couldn’t. it was too late.

its really really too late...

all i want is for you to be happy, even if it's not with me

it hurts really bad that the only peson i've ever truley cared about is with someone else now.
a few weeks ago he was crying on the phone becasuse i hurt him..
i know i made a mistake, but did he have to move on so quickly?
it kills me that he can go so long without talking to me while i'm dieing not hearing his voice. part of me thinks tht part of him still loves me, but i cant know for suree.

is it sad that i dream about the day when he breaks up with her and tells me he still loves me?

it kills me tht if two weeks ago i hadnt made such a stupid mistake i would be with him right now...i wish i could go back in time..


but whatever its besides the point. he's happy. thats all that matters.

dumb whore [continued]

justt wanted to let yhall know tht chad actually did write back to me two days after that whole thing happened with the dumb slut [who is his gf]

he said "kayla i'm sorry about the other day alyssa had my phone wht she told you was true but i didnt want it to come from her..."

and i know tht shouldve upset me, but it made me kinda happy. at least he cared enough to apologive ya know?

i guess tht was a better way for things to end...
cuz things are over now..
:(

the best&worst day of my life

yess yesterday did turn out to be the best&worst day of my lifee:

we had to put Nala down yesterday:( i miss my puppy sooo much, but at least she's not in pain anymore..

BUT yesterday night i met eric halvorsen [obsession/love of my life] and i told him about what happened & he gave me a shout out and he handed me a pic & gave me a kiss on the cheek(: and we had TWO full-out convos.

dumb whore

i told myself tht i couldnt give up on him..

so in one last pathetic attempt i told him tht i missed him and tht it was killing me not talk to me
and he responded with "dude i have a new girl and its not right for me to talk to you"
then i told him tht we could still be friends since he had obviously gotten over me

but instead some girl names "alyssa" started texting me from his phone.
asking why i was talking to me and telling me to leave him alone.
i said fine i just wanted things to be ok with us
and she said nope never ganna happen k bye
i told her it was none of her business..

but tht was the end of it.


it killed me
but i guess its exactly what i needed to hear

i'm a trainwreck

i miss chad so much.
i had no idea it would be so hard.
i wish i could take it all back.
then maybe i'd be in his arms right now.

where'd you go?

i find myself just filling my time, anything to keep the thought of you from my mind. i'm doing fine && I'm planning to keep it that way. you can call me if you find that you have something to say

you can say that you don't miss me but i think about you everyday

so its really over now. i've been trying to get chad back into my life for days now but he keeps telling me he wants nothing to do with me. i wasn't planning on giving up on him but last night. i told him if he really really didn't want me to talk to him then all he had to do was tell me and i would never bother him again. i didn't think he would..i thought there had to be some feelings in his heart still there for me. but i was wrong. he told me he would like that and that he was sorry. so it's done now..i'm not ganna talk to him ever again:`[

i made all the wrong decesionss..

about a week ago i had the hard decesion of having to choose between tyler and chad..i made the wrong choice, i picked tyler. and he left me for some other girl.and now both of them are with somebody else,,and i am alone. how did i end up here?:/

just me

"i make you come just to watch you leave;; you walk around with my heart on your sleeve."

warped tour/nothing personal

so all time low's (my favorite band) album Nothing Personal drops tomorrow(: and i pre-ordered it so hopefully i'll be getting it in the mail today.


And Warped Tour 09' is less than a week away.
The Maine, A rocket to the moon, 3oh!3 and lotts of other ppls r ganna be there

we could sit around and cry;; but frankly your not worth it anymore

"i hope this makes you happy... now that the flame we had is burning out.
&& i hope u like your pictures facing down; cuz even broken hearts may have their doubts
and im taking all your memories off the shelf cuz i dont need you or anybody else.."

why am i always screwing everything up...

i fell in love with chad
he broke up with me
i got over him and started to like tyler
chad wanted me back
i choose tyler over him
tyler changed his mind
i lied to chad and told him tht i turned tyler down for him
tyler changed his mind again...he wanted to be with me
i left chad again for tyler
i went out with tyler and things were perfect untill...
he changed his mind...yet again
so then i tried to make things right with chad...
but he responded with "i want nothing to do with you"
and now i have no one, nothing..
nothing but me and my stupid mistakes..

i'm counting down the seconds...

...till school is over
its dragging on and on and on and seriously it's hell.
actually it wouldn't be so bad at all if i didn't have my lil problemm..
ughh i don't even want to get into it.


but aside from that my sweet 16 is in 9 days:]
and my 2 month with chad is in 2 days... altough i am having a lil trouble in paradise.
well i'm a little too depressed to be writing write now so ttyl.


ohh btw report cards came out today:

foods- A
algebra- B
biology- C+
world history- A
spanish- B
english- A

HONORS

its been a good month

so today is me and chads one-month anniversary:]<3
he should be coming over laterr.
&& we had a talk yesterday about how we are'nt goingg to have sex untill i am ready and how he would never ever pressure me or push me to do anything i wasn't ready for.. "whether it's with me or not your first time should be special.."
he is such a sweetheart

my boyfriend

chad 2.22.09
i have a good feeling about this one..

okay forget everything i said...

lets take a lil trip to the past.
about a year ago. pretty much my whole freshman year was spent in love with this boy names chad, he was my brothers friend and i loved everything about him
he was gorgoeus he was mature and he was the sweetest boy ever.
and when my brother found out of course he told him & he said something along the lines of me being cute but too young & ever since then my brother has tricked me and said how chad likes me.

but yesterday he called me and said guess who likes you??
and i said who? and he said chad, i was like wow okay brick.
and he was like no im serious this time & then chad came on the phone and jsut asked what was up and how i was, and then his cousin sammy came on the phone and said no really there telling the truth he does like you!

so, today he called me again. :] i think tht i might be seeing him tomorrow:]
who knows whats ganna happen.
but can you believe it, this is my dream come true
my prince charming likes me:]<33

so is this the future---> 2.21.09<33

??. i sure hope so:]

well hopefully things work out.
maybe the next time talk to you ill have a boyfriend:]

kev kev:]

so let me start from the beggining.
about 3 weeks ago i was at the freashman baskeball game with my friends vicki and tasha cuz they manage the team && all of a sudden i saw the most GOREOUS kid. he had shaggy brown hair and the mos beautiful blue eyes i'd ever seen.
so of course i asked my friends abou him "who is that?!" i asked excitedly:]
and then they said his name was kevin.

and then yesterday i was hanging out with my friend and she had him as a friend on myspace.
i asked her to tell him about me lol. so she messaged him and said my friend thinks your cute you should add her. and so he did. and then tasha asked "so what do you think of her?" and he said "um shes pretty lol." and then she told him to message me and he did. and we talked for a whilee and then he asked if i had aim. and we ended up talking on there for about an hour:]
and then this morning we were talking on aim for another hour:] and then i asked if he had texting and he said yess and gave me his number:] and we stared textingg which was a lil awkard lol.


and anyways, i know we just met but im really starting to like him:]
but im nervous cuz weve never talked in person and im scared if we do its ganna be akward.
but yeah, im really happy. i cant remember the last time i felt this happy talking to a boy. i didnt feel this happy with even chris!

yeah..i really hope this goes somewhere. dont worry i'll keep you updated on my kev-kev:]
[a lott of smileys i know!]

What would you want to hear from the person it would mean the most coming from?

Question- {btw if anyone is actually reading this i would just love it if you'd answer any of my questions in a comment}
What would you want to hear from the person it would mean the most coming from?

"Kayla...I know its been over a year, i know I wasn't there and I'm sorry. But honestly I've thought of you everyday. I wanna be with you more than i've ever wanted to be with anyone in my entire life. And I know I've done a lot of stupid things but I can change. You make me want to be a better person; I dont wanna do those bad things anymore. Kayla, as long as i have you that is all that i will ever need... I love you. And I hope that maybe you could love me too..

break it down

heyy. i'm kayla.
i don't really know why i'm making a blog. its not like anyone is going to actually read this, but im off my diary for a while and i guess i just need somewhere to write down all the craziness goingg down in my head. why am i off my diary you ask? well i just finished my last one and i got a new notebook but i made a promise to myself not to start it untill i start going out with someone, just so i can write down my next relationship from beggineing to end, and honestly i dont think thats going to be for a very long time.
i dont like anyone no one.

so yeahh i'm just going to break myself down a little bit- the real me.
well i'm kayla, obviously.
my life is pretty akward, i'm just an extremely akward person..
i try not to be... but its like being a jew, you cant not be one. either you are or your not.
ya know? sorry strange ananlogy.
i'm honestly not into labelss, and i dont think i could put myslef in one even if i tried.
i have a very odd sense of fasion. i try and so well in school but i get bored and loose focus too easily. i'm really a good-kid. i mean i dont do drugs or anything like that. and i'm a virgin. i dont excpect on loosing that anytime soon.

well thats all you really need to know about me.
and i'm going to write a lott of things in my blogs that no one could possible understand.
you'd have to have a front row seat in my head to understand everything.

keep it real;]
-kayla<3