vulnerable

I remember when I was a little girl I had this babysitter who I thought was the coolest person in the whole world, and whenever my parents came home and told her she could leave I would block the door and tell her she couldn’t go.

I guess that’s kind of what I was doing with chad. I didn’t want to believe it was over. He was walking away and I wasn’t about to just stand by and watch. So I pathetically poured out my heart... I knew I had made a mistake..i knew I screwed up with him. I thought...i wanted to belive that I could fix things, but I couldn’t. it was too late.

its really really too late...

all i want is for you to be happy, even if it's not with me

it hurts really bad that the only peson i've ever truley cared about is with someone else now.
a few weeks ago he was crying on the phone becasuse i hurt him..
i know i made a mistake, but did he have to move on so quickly?
it kills me that he can go so long without talking to me while i'm dieing not hearing his voice. part of me thinks tht part of him still loves me, but i cant know for suree.

is it sad that i dream about the day when he breaks up with her and tells me he still loves me?

it kills me tht if two weeks ago i hadnt made such a stupid mistake i would be with him right now...i wish i could go back in time..


but whatever its besides the point. he's happy. thats all that matters.

dumb whore [continued]

justt wanted to let yhall know tht chad actually did write back to me two days after that whole thing happened with the dumb slut [who is his gf]

he said "kayla i'm sorry about the other day alyssa had my phone wht she told you was true but i didnt want it to come from her..."

and i know tht shouldve upset me, but it made me kinda happy. at least he cared enough to apologive ya know?

i guess tht was a better way for things to end...
cuz things are over now..
:(

the best&worst day of my life

yess yesterday did turn out to be the best&worst day of my lifee:

we had to put Nala down yesterday:( i miss my puppy sooo much, but at least she's not in pain anymore..

BUT yesterday night i met eric halvorsen [obsession/love of my life] and i told him about what happened & he gave me a shout out and he handed me a pic & gave me a kiss on the cheek(: and we had TWO full-out convos.

dumb whore

i told myself tht i couldnt give up on him..

so in one last pathetic attempt i told him tht i missed him and tht it was killing me not talk to me
and he responded with "dude i have a new girl and its not right for me to talk to you"
then i told him tht we could still be friends since he had obviously gotten over me

but instead some girl names "alyssa" started texting me from his phone.
asking why i was talking to me and telling me to leave him alone.
i said fine i just wanted things to be ok with us
and she said nope never ganna happen k bye
i told her it was none of her business..

but tht was the end of it.


it killed me
but i guess its exactly what i needed to hear

i'm a trainwreck

i miss chad so much.
i had no idea it would be so hard.
i wish i could take it all back.
then maybe i'd be in his arms right now.

where'd you go?

i find myself just filling my time, anything to keep the thought of you from my mind. i'm doing fine && I'm planning to keep it that way. you can call me if you find that you have something to say

you can say that you don't miss me but i think about you everyday

so its really over now. i've been trying to get chad back into my life for days now but he keeps telling me he wants nothing to do with me. i wasn't planning on giving up on him but last night. i told him if he really really didn't want me to talk to him then all he had to do was tell me and i would never bother him again. i didn't think he would..i thought there had to be some feelings in his heart still there for me. but i was wrong. he told me he would like that and that he was sorry. so it's done now..i'm not ganna talk to him ever again:`[

i made all the wrong decesionss..

about a week ago i had the hard decesion of having to choose between tyler and chad..i made the wrong choice, i picked tyler. and he left me for some other girl.and now both of them are with somebody else,,and i am alone. how did i end up here?:/

just me

"i make you come just to watch you leave;; you walk around with my heart on your sleeve."

warped tour/nothing personal

so all time low's (my favorite band) album Nothing Personal drops tomorrow(: and i pre-ordered it so hopefully i'll be getting it in the mail today.


And Warped Tour 09' is less than a week away.
The Maine, A rocket to the moon, 3oh!3 and lotts of other ppls r ganna be there

we could sit around and cry;; but frankly your not worth it anymore

"i hope this makes you happy... now that the flame we had is burning out.
&& i hope u like your pictures facing down; cuz even broken hearts may have their doubts
and im taking all your memories off the shelf cuz i dont need you or anybody else.."

why am i always screwing everything up...

i fell in love with chad
he broke up with me
i got over him and started to like tyler
chad wanted me back
i choose tyler over him
tyler changed his mind
i lied to chad and told him tht i turned tyler down for him
tyler changed his mind again...he wanted to be with me
i left chad again for tyler
i went out with tyler and things were perfect untill...
he changed his mind...yet again
so then i tried to make things right with chad...
but he responded with "i want nothing to do with you"
and now i have no one, nothing..
nothing but me and my stupid mistakes..